The Agony and Gift of Death

I apologize for going MIA for a while, it’s just that death has recently permeated my existence. It came right into my home, and as much as I tried to keep that door bolted and locked, there was no keeping it out, unfortunately.

My dear aunt, who was like a mother to me, died recently.

We lost her quickly and suddenly to the monster known as cancer. I still can’t believe this happened because she was just fine a few weeks before being rushed to the hospital for breathing problems. They discovered that she had cancer and that it had spread everywhere. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do and she only had weeks of life left.

Wait…what?!

A tremor overtook my entire body. This can’t be possible because she had no symptoms, zero, zilch, NADA! This was a sudden death sentence that was unfairly handed down to her and there was nothing that could be done.

Precisely two weeks after being diagnosed, she passed.

I’m devastated, I’m shocked, I’m bitter, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m scared, I have a million feelings running through me, and to be honest, it’s very hard to reconcile it all. I don’t think I ever will. I just want to scream out loud “it was not her time” but life had different plans.

I close my eyes and our life together as a family flow like a series of recollections and blissful emotions.  I can see her clear as daylight. Her smile, her voice, her laughter. It is so real, so how is it she is no longer here? 

My aunt was a vibrant soul who turned obstacles into an advantage. She was jovial, she was healthy, and she was just now starting to enjoy the benefits of life. Moreover, she was anxiously awaiting the birth of her second grandchild this coming February but before then, she was to embark on a trip of a lifetime to Paris with her son and her niece (my sister). Sadly, she died before all of this became a reality. She waited all her life to visit the city of her dreams.

In the end, she waited too long and then it was too late.

As I think of all the ups and downs of these last few months, of all the despair and sadness, several strong and meaningful learnings emerge.

These are my silver linings from this tragic experience:

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is not living your life to the fullest.

Make it count right now, this moment, this second. Take that class, take that trip, you never know when it will all just come to an end.

Make as many memories as you can with your loved ones.

Memories become sacred when a loved one is no longer around because in the end that is all we have of the people we love after they leave us. Take pictures, take videos because you will be longing to see their faces and hear their voices.

Even in the darkest moments of despair, there is always something bright right alongside.

Amidst this painful ordeal, there was always something positive going on…my dad’s delicious cooking, funny conversations in the car with my sons, my husband’s sense of humor. All these things balanced me out and kept me from going off the deep end.

While my dear aunt faced “the end” of her life, this experience marked “the beginning” of a new life for me.

I’ve learned we can survive the darkest hours. I’ve learned uncertainty is the name of the game now, but as long as I’m living fully and enjoying my loved ones then that is enough. This gives me a sense of security.

Now more than ever, I am grateful for all the blessings in my life.

I do not let anything slip away now and every moment with loved ones is cherished. How lucky am I to still have both my parents by my side?

While I will forever feel sorrow as deep as the ocean for my beloved aunt, her passing makes my being alive more significant because I am living with more meaning, with more intention, and with more love.  I imagine her looking down upon me and smiling because that is what she would have wanted for all of us that loved her dearly.