The Day your Child Leaves your Home

How is it that my son is 18, about to graduate and getting ready to leave the nest? I’ve been preparing for this day for 18 years and, admittedly, I thought I would be ready but I’m clearly not.

I remember my son’s first day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. He was anxious yet super thrilled about going to school, meeting new friends, and learning all about letters, reading, shapes and more. For months leading up to his first day we talked endlessly about what school would be like and what he should expect.

On that first day of school, as we searched for a parking spot, he had a million questions – was he going to like his teacher, was he going to make friends easily, would I be there when he got out, and so on. We arrived at his classroom and were warmly greeted by his teacher.

My son was suddenly timid, hiding behind my leg, not sure what to do with himself. We hugged each other and I could tell he was hesitant to let go, but I nudged him and gave him an encouraging smile – “you’ve got this” I told him as I parted with him, his hand locked tightly with mine, while his teacher extended his own hand to take him.

It took everything I had to let go of my son’s little hand.

As tears welled up in his eyes, I gave him a thumbs up, smiled bravely at him, kissed him, turned around and walked away.

I did not turn around to look back, I could not.

As tears rushed down my face, I remember feeling a genuine sense of sadness and an ache that was both momentous and bittersweet. My baby is growing up I thought, he’ll be ok, I’ll be ok.

Growing “up” pains is part of the journey

“Growing up” pains are what I termed these moments thereafter – where I would feel an insistent ache or throb in my heart that, truthfully, got worse at nighttime. We’ve since had many more growing up pains throughout his childhood and adolescence, too many to list, but some key ones included:

• Having to adapt to a new school;
• Dealing with a challenging teacher;
• Betrayal of a friend;
• Shattered dreams;
• Driving himself to school for the first time;
• Having to take a flight from LAX to NY on his own.

However, none compare to the ultimate growing up pain that is looming over our heads, the beast of all beasts – the day my child leaves my home and sets off to college.

You would think that having gone through so many growing up pains, I would be more prepared. Well…I am not. As his senior year quickly comes to an end, I can’t help but think of an hourglass running out of sand with his childhood slipping right through my hands.

What I wouldn’t do to turn it over and start all over again.

When I told this hourglass analogy to a friend, she simply said, “well turn it over and start anew again.” You see, those growing up pains did in fact make both my heart and his stronger. With every new milestone and challenge faced in the past, we said goodbye to what came before and readied ourselves for the next part of our journey, at times feeling triumphant or simply wiser having gained a new lesson in life. The same shall happen with this page we are now turning over.

I feel like I’ve completed a cycle. I know that when the moment arrives to drop him off at his new home, faraway, I’ll be the one tightly holding his hand and hesitant to let go. I will feel a genuine sense of sadness and an ache that will be both momentous and bittersweet.

My baby has grown up, he’ll be ok, I’ll be ok.